I got curious
so i googled
'how to leave your life'
i got how to leave your lover
how to leave London
and how to leave your job
really?
is that a hint
a clue
my calling
should i do it
so that i can write about it
so that the next person who gets curious
can know about it
or maybe we're not supposed to write about it
maybe we're just supposed to leave it hidden
let people think
it's their own calling
people do it
they leave their life everyday
what's a life anyway
your job? your friends?
your family? your thoughts?
what if you only leave one of those things?
what combination of these aspects
does it take
to make a life
and what combination
of insanity, dreaming,
yearning, hope
does it take
to change it
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
limited freedom
it is only the perception of freedom if we are not aware of our limitations. we cannot be free if we continue to let ourselves be enslaved by the forces that act on us subconsciously. to give your mind over to someone in the name of freedom is a paradox.
the common good is one thing, but group think is quite another.
cultivate a critical mind.
think for yourself.
the common good is one thing, but group think is quite another.
cultivate a critical mind.
think for yourself.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
prescription latex
How do I control my feelings?
My thoughts that reel faster the more I try and stop them.
That moment of toe in cold water turned running full steam into that ocean of uncertainty that seems to stretch out forever.
That pit of my stomach churning acid and coating doubt with assumptions- negative ones.
Do I need to see a shrink?
Do I need medication?
I feel embarrassed to ask for professional help.
So I suffer not so silently.
Does it make me stronger? Or just wear me down?
Truth seeker seeks comfort even if it's not true.
Hopeless romantic attempts slow steps against her nature.
She knows what she wants... so she goes and gets it.
Not in this case.
So how long should she/could she wait until a decision is made?
Waiting makes layers of dust fall on unmoved objects and the same applies to your emotions. This itchy, need to go somewhere dust is paralyzing and fidgety.
Anxiety.
The single most uncomfortable, over powering, body breaking, mind reeling state of BEING! And I haven't found an instant remedy for it yet.
I'm trying.
This is my attempt at releasing some of the tension to make room for happy balloons that I attach to the baggage in my mind and heart.
Over one hurdle and on to the next...
Feeling guilty about feeling bad, feeling sad, what if.
Instead of swimming against the current..I swim with
Let it take me where it needs to go and where I need to know.
Let it lose me away for awhile.
Happy balloons arrive at any time.
As do the heavy suitcases.
Always something to learn.
Hope is really light.
It's fast to escalate but it's also....light. Easy to blow away.
Short term, Long term
Truth Seeker, she's hoping.
My thoughts that reel faster the more I try and stop them.
That moment of toe in cold water turned running full steam into that ocean of uncertainty that seems to stretch out forever.
That pit of my stomach churning acid and coating doubt with assumptions- negative ones.
Do I need to see a shrink?
Do I need medication?
I feel embarrassed to ask for professional help.
So I suffer not so silently.
Does it make me stronger? Or just wear me down?
Truth seeker seeks comfort even if it's not true.
Hopeless romantic attempts slow steps against her nature.
She knows what she wants... so she goes and gets it.
Not in this case.
So how long should she/could she wait until a decision is made?
Waiting makes layers of dust fall on unmoved objects and the same applies to your emotions. This itchy, need to go somewhere dust is paralyzing and fidgety.
Anxiety.
The single most uncomfortable, over powering, body breaking, mind reeling state of BEING! And I haven't found an instant remedy for it yet.
I'm trying.
This is my attempt at releasing some of the tension to make room for happy balloons that I attach to the baggage in my mind and heart.
Over one hurdle and on to the next...
Feeling guilty about feeling bad, feeling sad, what if.
Instead of swimming against the current..I swim with
Let it take me where it needs to go and where I need to know.
Let it lose me away for awhile.
Happy balloons arrive at any time.
As do the heavy suitcases.
Always something to learn.
Hope is really light.
It's fast to escalate but it's also....light. Easy to blow away.
Short term, Long term
Truth Seeker, she's hoping.
Monday, March 16, 2009
about true love
if true love is simply a love that is true, then isn't all love true love? for how can anything be love if it isn't true? and does its lack of truth make it false, or are there degrees of love? like "i love you, but not in that way". or "i love you, but i don't want to marry you. ever". or "i love you, but only if you are the person i thought i could mold you into, and not if you insist on being this stranger, this person who you really are, this person i was too blind to even notice throughout the last thousand days or so". or "i love you, but i'm pretty sure it's only temporary". or "i love you, but i have no idea what that even means".
does anyone?
of course, we never say these things. we may think them, but they are never spoken and released into the atmosphere as evidence of our truth. we invest years into people we are pretty sure are not in fact our true loves, yet there we remain - poised to be miserable with the hope that things might change, at some point. perfectly satisfied with a mediocre expression of what the limitless potential our souls have to love another. willing to accept an ordinary life for ourselves when we know full well that there is something fucking extraordinary out there, waiting.
waiting for us to get out of our own way.
our way is plagued with loneliness, yet it is also our biggest fear. and, if loneliness is all we've ever known, we fear its absence. more than anything, we fear the day our hearts will know true companionship because then what? we live in fear. i live in fear. most of the time, i am afraid of everything. a lot of the time, the awareness is overwhelming. and i start to wonder how people manage, like how to people manage to share themselves with another being? then i remember - they're living lies, same as me, only different lies. they live lies about other people - at least my lies are completely my own.
luckily, though, there is something that outweighs the loneliness. it is hope.
i hope there is such a thing as true love, or at least my idea of it. my idea of true love? a lasting love. it's loving with the knowledge that the love will never fade, because you've loved this soul before. your soul and this soul have passed through a thousand year's worth of days and are merely continuing what can never end, because true love has been predetermined.
true love is spending a quiet saturday morning in bed reading each other's favourite parts from your favourite books until oneday, the phone rings. thirty years have disappeared into the great abyss of happy existence and your oldest son is calling with news.
he's found his true love.
i believe this. and, though i sometimes allow myself to suffer and dwell in the loneliness i know that one day this day will become part of my truth.
for we all have the ability to make true love happen.
we just have to get out of our own way.
that being said - what the fuck do i know?
*shrug*
does anyone?
of course, we never say these things. we may think them, but they are never spoken and released into the atmosphere as evidence of our truth. we invest years into people we are pretty sure are not in fact our true loves, yet there we remain - poised to be miserable with the hope that things might change, at some point. perfectly satisfied with a mediocre expression of what the limitless potential our souls have to love another. willing to accept an ordinary life for ourselves when we know full well that there is something fucking extraordinary out there, waiting.
waiting for us to get out of our own way.
our way is plagued with loneliness, yet it is also our biggest fear. and, if loneliness is all we've ever known, we fear its absence. more than anything, we fear the day our hearts will know true companionship because then what? we live in fear. i live in fear. most of the time, i am afraid of everything. a lot of the time, the awareness is overwhelming. and i start to wonder how people manage, like how to people manage to share themselves with another being? then i remember - they're living lies, same as me, only different lies. they live lies about other people - at least my lies are completely my own.
luckily, though, there is something that outweighs the loneliness. it is hope.
i hope there is such a thing as true love, or at least my idea of it. my idea of true love? a lasting love. it's loving with the knowledge that the love will never fade, because you've loved this soul before. your soul and this soul have passed through a thousand year's worth of days and are merely continuing what can never end, because true love has been predetermined.
true love is spending a quiet saturday morning in bed reading each other's favourite parts from your favourite books until oneday, the phone rings. thirty years have disappeared into the great abyss of happy existence and your oldest son is calling with news.
he's found his true love.
i believe this. and, though i sometimes allow myself to suffer and dwell in the loneliness i know that one day this day will become part of my truth.
for we all have the ability to make true love happen.
we just have to get out of our own way.
that being said - what the fuck do i know?
*shrug*
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Nice job
I think its a great idea to stay connected like this and discuss the things you mentioned. Good work. I'll check in again soon.
Dear friends,
This is a dialogue, I’m just wondering if you want to take part in it.
I want to talk about who we are, culturally, spiritually, physically, psychically, mathematically, linguistically, whatever… who are we? And who do we want to be? What’s working? What isn’t? and, by extension of that, how could it work better? How can we elevate our experience?
I believe we have the answer to these questions, we just need to remember them. We just need to ask ourselves. We need to ask each other.
No judgment.
Just observation.
…or as far as we’ve come on that continuum. Thereby acknowledging to ourselves that we are still growing and evolving – you, of unlimited potential. I promise you growth is the most fun you can have.
And what is growth anyway?
Looking back on how far you’ve come should make you proud, not ashamed of any of your previous selves. Without the path, you would never reach your destination. Resent not the path, no matter how long and torturous it was. If your true Love is at the end, it’s always worth it.
Let us examine critically what our true Love is. Let us offer suggestions of how that is limiting. Because we all know that, so far, it is. Let’s get unlimited.
Let us examine separation. Is it working? Does it serve us, individually, to feel separation from another person or group of people, or everyone?
I think we all know that, collectively it isn’t working. By its very definition, it just couldn’t – the collectively separated. Is the collective even our goal? Should it be?
Let us argue for all sides. And let us smile and laugh while we are doing it.
Let us examine justice, and what it means to be wronged by somebody. Let us wonder for a moment, if maybe we cannot be.
What could you possibly take away from anybody that means anything? Isn’t the only thing that is worth anything freely given anyway?
Let us elevate our consciousness.
Let us fly a little further off the ground, and still stay connected.
Anybody with me?
I want to talk about who we are, culturally, spiritually, physically, psychically, mathematically, linguistically, whatever… who are we? And who do we want to be? What’s working? What isn’t? and, by extension of that, how could it work better? How can we elevate our experience?
I believe we have the answer to these questions, we just need to remember them. We just need to ask ourselves. We need to ask each other.
No judgment.
Just observation.
…or as far as we’ve come on that continuum. Thereby acknowledging to ourselves that we are still growing and evolving – you, of unlimited potential. I promise you growth is the most fun you can have.
And what is growth anyway?
Looking back on how far you’ve come should make you proud, not ashamed of any of your previous selves. Without the path, you would never reach your destination. Resent not the path, no matter how long and torturous it was. If your true Love is at the end, it’s always worth it.
Let us examine critically what our true Love is. Let us offer suggestions of how that is limiting. Because we all know that, so far, it is. Let’s get unlimited.
Let us examine separation. Is it working? Does it serve us, individually, to feel separation from another person or group of people, or everyone?
I think we all know that, collectively it isn’t working. By its very definition, it just couldn’t – the collectively separated. Is the collective even our goal? Should it be?
Let us argue for all sides. And let us smile and laugh while we are doing it.
Let us examine justice, and what it means to be wronged by somebody. Let us wonder for a moment, if maybe we cannot be.
What could you possibly take away from anybody that means anything? Isn’t the only thing that is worth anything freely given anyway?
Let us elevate our consciousness.
Let us fly a little further off the ground, and still stay connected.
Anybody with me?
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