How do I control my feelings?
My thoughts that reel faster the more I try and stop them.
That moment of toe in cold water turned running full steam into that ocean of uncertainty that seems to stretch out forever.
That pit of my stomach churning acid and coating doubt with assumptions- negative ones.
Do I need to see a shrink?
Do I need medication?
I feel embarrassed to ask for professional help.
So I suffer not so silently.
Does it make me stronger? Or just wear me down?
Truth seeker seeks comfort even if it's not true.
Hopeless romantic attempts slow steps against her nature.
She knows what she wants... so she goes and gets it.
Not in this case.
So how long should she/could she wait until a decision is made?
Waiting makes layers of dust fall on unmoved objects and the same applies to your emotions. This itchy, need to go somewhere dust is paralyzing and fidgety.
Anxiety.
The single most uncomfortable, over powering, body breaking, mind reeling state of BEING! And I haven't found an instant remedy for it yet.
I'm trying.
This is my attempt at releasing some of the tension to make room for happy balloons that I attach to the baggage in my mind and heart.
Over one hurdle and on to the next...
Feeling guilty about feeling bad, feeling sad, what if.
Instead of swimming against the current..I swim with
Let it take me where it needs to go and where I need to know.
Let it lose me away for awhile.
Happy balloons arrive at any time.
As do the heavy suitcases.
Always something to learn.
Hope is really light.
It's fast to escalate but it's also....light. Easy to blow away.
Short term, Long term
Truth Seeker, she's hoping.
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It's comforting to know I am not the only one. Although I have talked to professionals. And I did not like their diagnosis - but the medical community is all about diagnosing minds, and has little use for the secrets of our souls. Take the time to breathe. Listen. Our breath leads us to our Truth. Our Truth (and not THE truth, as the saying goes, for each one of us has our own that is separate and unique from everyone else's) will set us free.
ReplyDeleteyeah. Breathing is good. Also try observing or watching your thoughts - they will probably settle down.
ReplyDelete"Make me stronger."
ReplyDeleteIt has only occurred to me now to examine the content of this phrase. I like the comparison with "wearing me down"; it emphasises the idea that any particular "it" is acting on me, rather than with me.
I think, though, that within the interactions of what most of us experience as real life, the only way for some "it" to make us stronger is if we actively work with it. There aren't many passive experiences that make us stronger, though I can see them wearing us down, in a fashion.
And what of the question of suffering itself? Is it useful, avoidable, necessary? I certainly wouldn't be anything like who I've become if I hadn't gone through my proportion of suffering.
I suppose a better question might be, when is it too much? When does it pass that threshold from being a potential learning experience to a source of decay or despair? I really want to know.
i imagine that if you knew the answer to that, you would be past that threshold... in which case, i really don't think you want to know.
ReplyDeleteultimately, i am guessing, it is a matter of perception. otherwise, how does one person endure such extremes, while another is brought to the depths of despair by that which borders on triviality.
because for them, it is not a trivial matter.
... perception.
when you change the way you look at a thing, the thing you look at changes.
fostering a positive mental attitude, then, becomes paramount. tracking your thoughts, as suggested by Gyro, is important in this process. and i have found the only way to track my thoughts is to slow everything down, and pay attention to my breathing.
i am loving everything that is happening here.
making something stronger. i guess it's exactly like building muscle in the most literal comparison. you tear your muscles and pull them to build them up.
ReplyDeletethe same thing with us. we are given tests to help us advance and build our experiences.
we're like a string, being dipped in wax. everytime the string lowers into the pot we get a new layer,we get stronger,but it seems to coat the layers we first started out with. perhaps a combination of continuing to dip, while, continuing to burn to be able to see all the layers would be one way of enjoying, remembering and building all in one.
my thoughts when i wrote prescription latex were pretty all over the map. i like to keep my emotions never on a leash.. more like in a giant dog park. and sometimes the dog escapes and either gets a thrill of a lifetime and discovers new territory or explores and gets bitten. either way, lessons are learned, and appreciated. all in due time.
i like writing in that state because i don't really spend too much time on metaphors or if it 'sounds nice' i free write. and after. maybe the same day, next day, next week, i reread it. and then suddenly in a different perspective like One L said, the thing i'm looking at completely changes.
you guys are all awesome.
come play in my dog park?
woof.
ReplyDelete